tennistrial08

Dear Brigitte,

I wrote to you before, asking you to help me figure out whether I should have an abortion. It really scared me that after an attempt to come to a peaceful, conscientious decision, maybe I would get on a plane and “kill” this baby. I never want to experience the death of a child again.

But now I’m asking, what do you think the real problem with assisted abortion is? Because this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of stories about experienced parents leading fraught negotiations over the correct course of action. Or about local parents trying to silence campaigners to prevent future tragedy. The difference, of course, is that this pain isn’t based in fear of self-destruction but the real threat of pain or death. tuoi69

I don’t want to fall apart emotionally. I don’t want to unravel from anger. I just want this baby to die the way nature intended. Is there any way I can get what I want out of abortion without tearing my life apart, devoting everything, creating an acrimonious space at home?

I wish this was so easy. Please help.

Cameron, 22

Dear Cameron,

I don’t think there’s a simple way to understand the complexity of a decision to abort a pregnancy, no matter how serious the medical risks of the situation or the long-term implications for relationships, finances, jobs or other support, and no matter how clear-eyed we are about how we feel about what we’re doing.

However, you may be able to reach a tipping point at which you decide to try to reach that consensus. I’d offer you some coping techniques. I would be curious to know what you were able to do to gather support from your parents – online, in person or in other ways. These exercises, then, might help you to understand the situation more clearly.

If your parents strongly support you to refuse an abortion, you might – and I don’t mean to suggest you have to ever agree with them – build this understanding and establish yourself as a leader in your community. Given that you are young, you will know everyone by reputation as you grow up, and you can try to persuade them of your case.

Alternatively, if your parents say: “We’re not with you. We do want you to have this baby, but it’s none of our business; you can trust the professionals who need to make this decision”, then you may want to ask the professionals if they feel they should be getting involved. Maybe they can sense it’s a little chaotic at home at the moment and offer to negotiate some options together – do it with the help of the professionals, without venturing into territory where you fear conflict and confrontation.

Another way to feel like you have allies is to work with people on both sides of the arguments. Invite other people to enter into a dialogue with you, too, on both sides of the argument. Research the relevant organisations and support groups. Try to hear all the arguments and understand the full range of opinions. It’s absolutely fine to disagree with the views you hold, and I would be sad if you didn’t.

The most important thing I’d suggest, though, is to be honest. Tell your family and friends what you want to do, why you’re making the decision, what you know, what you don’t know, what you’ve found out and what you’re doing about it. It might be that your answer is nothing. It might be that you’re happy to accept the fate of an unwanted pregnancy. All that matters is that you don’t impose your ideology on others – and that you listen to what they have to say.

Thank you for your well-meaning and heartbreaking letter. It’s a reminder that it’s not a life in absolute control but one in a circuitous chain of events. https://www.khophimsex.net/?id=754 Much of this can be controlled, but some aspects are beyond our control and we have to make the best of what we have.

In coming to a decision, I hope you will be able to take control of your own future. The pain is a necessary part of any negotiation, whether you’re talking about abortion or getting a place in a university – always challenge conventional wisdom and ask: what if we did this differently?

How do you live with regret and regret without destroying yourself? How do you raise your children bravely and honourably?

• If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk

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